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[10 May 2006|02:33pm] |
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my life is really stuck right now. no one ever calls. hardly anyone i message online ever replies anymore. even people i hang out with i cant even talk to. i dont feel like i belong to anything anymore. i dont have a job. and ive applied to so many and i never even get an interview. my goal right now in life if get some e and wander in the woods and see if i can get any feeling back. all i want in my life right now is some passion and romance. and just to feel a connection of any kind. but that just seems more and more impossible as time goes on. everything i do seems pointless. i dont have the modivation for anything. i just want this feeling to stop..
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[11 Jan 2006|04:00am] |
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soo.. its 4 am i cant sleep. i just need to vent.. no one reads these now i hope.. but what ever. im having some tough time with people. i cannot develope a friendship with anyone. rev has alot of friends but they hardly even talk to me or vice versa.. its just lame. i wish i could go home but thats so messed up too and i just wish things could be different sometimes. im really heartbroken and sometimes i feel absolutly empty inside.
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[06 Jan 2006|03:23am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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i couldnt sleep, thinking about things not worth thinking about. school sucks. i havent gone to class all week. ive been so depressed. its so lonesome and i make it that way. but its so scary for me to go meet people. like i just think they hate me right away so it doesnt mtter. im by myself all day. even when theres people around. i dont have friends to call up to go eat dinner with or to hang out with on weekends. i wish people could look past it and just want to be my friend. i feel so out of touch with the people around me. my college friends are few and far apart and just.. i wish i had someone really close to me here.
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| loosely touching on friendship. |
[15 Aug 2005|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Polaroids of polar bears - alexisonfire |
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don't worry about making sense.
it will make itself.
things to come, things gone by.
my friendship with you.
we'll leave things for now.
worry and stress no more.
september brings a new.
this is(n't) how it was planned to be.
but i guess it will have to do.
i know poetrys not my thing. just trying something new. hard to express your self with legos.
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| nothing last forever. not even permanent markers. |
[12 Aug 2005|11:24pm] |
hmm
work is work, good and bad.
people are people. mostly bad right now.
so i have no one to hang out with anymore.just cant handle that well at all. im really counting on school this year. if i let myself down againa like i did last year though.. things will be worse. well i guess not worse. just the same but somewhere else. and scarier. so i gues maybe worse, just god.. i could really use a friend right now more then ever. sitting here thinking about what to write makes it so much worse. im sorry to everyone ive hurt. and i guess i cant hurt anyone if we dont talk.
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[05 Jul 2005|12:17am] |
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fucking lame. that was today. in all meanings of the word. wworst concert ever, minus gwar. fucking fuck fuck shit fuck ahh. fuck.
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[03 Jan 2005|03:18pm] |
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my stupid truck.. its soo scary to drive and it just puts me in a bad mood driving it. i cant listen to music becuase i have to shift gears and im affraid im going to get in an accident seeeing how ive had more close calls since ive started driving my truck then ive had the whole time ive had my licence. it smells bad on the inside and gives me and headache and it just so frutrating becuase ive been looking forward to this for so long and i feel so let down. and just errr. and no one ever calls me anymore to hang out and im just err and lonesome... thats it. i justt need attention and i think i'll live..
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[29 Dec 2004|02:30pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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totally got super frutrated today, but everything worked out i think for me. i went walking for an hour or so and just kinda connected back into everything. i had duck for dinner and it was great. bj just called and im going over there to play some xbox, so im hoping tonight will be good. im so releived now tho. i dont know if it was the walk or not but i have no stress what so ever. anyways.
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[28 Dec 2004|01:31am] |
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im just really irritaed right now. and i cant scream fuck at anyone.
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[25 Dec 2004|04:15pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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Gotta love when you start to relize abunch of stuff about yourself when its too late to not affect people. i know i just like to let people know exactly how i feel all the time, just becuase im honest and i want people to know how i feel, about them, about other things, about other people, but i just as badly want to know about them, not like every single person in the world, i dont tell tyler orbryan if im emotional, or inner most thoughts ideas and such. i just want to have one single person who i can share that with, share our thoughts and ideas and talk. i expect to much out of people who really cant do that for me. and its just frustrating on so many levels becuase i can easily share my feelings but i end up doing it to people who probobly cant handle them. and its just self destructive. then add on horomones.. more stupid feeligns i shouldnt be sharing, becuase unlike my feelings words dont go away after a couple of days or weeks. once i say something its pretty much permanent. but my feelings may be bugging me really bad about something one day and the next day im fine. and not alot of it is reoccuring, no matter how much it sounds like im bitching about the same thing its ussually different.
i kinda lost the point i was trying to make when i started... pot does that. i just think peoplehave some stereotype towards me and that my attitude is static. and that "ohh he must be upset about this, thats why hes avoiding us" i shouldnt have told anyone why i was upset in the first place because what i say is more permanant then my feelings.. so by the time im over something people think im still upset about it and just.. i dont know where im going with this. i just want a second chance to be close with some people.. just becuase everyones changing.. maybe they change for the better.. eh? eh?
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[13 Dec 2004|12:58am] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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i feel like making love, by .. umm i dunno that guy.. |
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watching survivor tonight was great. i was all happy that chris won, but then i relized he won based on all lies and stuff. and i dunno i totally have a crush on julie, and i felt bad for her, but then i realized thats how people are. man julie is totally so hot.. but yeah people are just in it for something else, like 1000000 bucks. or say there own happiniess. and it relates to stuff ive been thinking about lately and it just makes me want to not take things so seriously. awwe.. julie.. so cute.. not that im obsessive, but then there is dolly... awwe loverly little sheep farmer. id love to be stranded with them on vanawantu or what that island of fire is. i started watching red vs blue today. and ive just been giggly mad. "why hello shirly... you big.. tank lady..." "dan? can i still dream?? dannnnnnnyyyyy...." hahah so priceless.. i showed it to people who thought i was retarded.. but oohhh well... tonight the guy at my dads company dinner didnt think i was of age and told me he'd sneak me a beer if i didnt tell my dad. and i was just blatently rude and told him if i wanted a beer id go down to the lcbo down the street and buy my own. needless to say the service after that was at most.. decent. ohh chocolate surprise. i feel pretty good tonight.. but im hoping christmas break will lighten my spirits. i got matching flash lights from my parents and they are so cute. ohh so cute. anyways.. long story short i totally love julie and dolly. id love to move far away and heard sheep all day with a beautiful woman who makes me feel smart.... if only life was so grand! muahahah
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[13 Nov 2004|11:28am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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havent wrote on here, havent felt the need to really. i feel like ive been really anooying lately tho. i just wish i had some positive attention. im sorry for getting on peoples nervs. i know i need to figure out something that will make me happier. but i just dont know how. kari's totally right about to much. eileen im sorry that we have started getting bichy with each other, thats why im letting you have some space. hmmm for some reason hanging out with other peoples g/fs just makes me feel shitty. no offence ot anything those those of you with bfs. it would just be easier if i wasnt so damn lonesome. im still yet to meet any friends at college and im getting discouraged. im starting to feel less of a need to treat people nice, seeing how im not getting alot of nice vibes from everyone. maybe its just karma and i should be more nice, but its hard when you dont have the chance to talk to people. dannielle, im going to mail you sooner or later i just lack words to put on paper. and im not going to mail you a letter that sounds anything like this. i know none of my guy friends read this which is good, but i miss you guys too. its just not as fun becuase you cant make things dramatic with guys. jk. what id really like now is to goto a party and meet some people, or hang out with all my old friends. ive been cooped up in my room to long and its making me insane,
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| everything dies alone |
[07 Oct 2004|09:39pm] |
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music |
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i just heard the new apc single |
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humanity is such a disgusting thing. why must we destroy and consume everything around us in search for happiness. in the grand scheme of things we are so insignificant its pointless to give your live so much meaning. we should just be happy exisiting and having the ability to comunicate and have oposible thumbs, we were just animals basicly what makes us different from any other anima, why are out lifes so much more important. if an animal gets hunted or becomes road kill how come no one really cares but if some old guy dies in hospital what makes it such a big deal, nothing makes sense, why would i want to be part of a world thats just growing to big to substain itself. where i live im lucky becuase it seems like there ir more nature then anything else, but i saw a pictures from space of the huge blackout we had here and the entire surface was light up except where we were and it showed me how much space we have actually taken over and destroyed for out own benifit. hmm im going to school for the wrong thing. i need to just... i dont even know. this world is so fucked up and no one seems to mind. hmmm i want to be held..
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[25 Sep 2004|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
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normally i dont write in here when im in a really good mood but this weekend ruled ass. kittie was the funnest thing ever im not going into details becuase whoever reads these knows how it went, so good. except for the speeding ticket which is totaly ok becuase i got osap. i get to drive my sister old car to school now which is fine by me becuase i can put my system in it! and im buying an amp!! Amps are soo delicious. i hear cereal being poured and so many scary noises outside. im glad i didnt eat my mushrooms. drunk people are funny tho and im glad i wasnt err about it.wow really scarey ufo noises. holy fuck. lol so baked. my friends, i love you guys more the ussual tonight. holy shit.. scary scary noise.. like animal thoat roars. hmm im going to turn my fan on.. oh wait i found my undertow cd. that by far the best thing ever. i miss hanging out with my friends and im sorry im a bastard person to talk to on the internet. im a better person in person. makes sense tho. and plus i can show off my hair. kari. i want to see you puke on a fire one day. that is all.
thanks everyone.
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| this is what happens when you choose not touse the backspace key ever. |
[22 Sep 2004|08:41am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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in utero (spelling?) nirvana. fuck correct spelling i think. |
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i woke up on my own at 8 this morning. i actually feel like getting up. im getting pretty good at this sleeping thing. nothing really keeps me awake anymore. it could be all the hash or my developing hatred for msn. I dont have to be at school for like two hours now ohh wait i dont even have to leave untill 11:30. and its nine now so i got lots of time. um. i was going good with the whole thinking thing then i had a block. err... well i guess that means this is over! ohh wait. nevermind.
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| talking to myself in a sense |
[21 Sep 2004|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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cd player is on random and its been going for a while i duno |
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wow. hormones hash and hyperness. add some nirvana. and more hash. and minus clothes and people. umm josh is in a very very decent mood. i dont have to goto school tommorow untill 12 and i get to play with robots. college is so easy so far and helping eileen with her math is helping me out lots. ive almost beat silent hill four. my mind is totaly desensitised. ive killed so many dogs and broken so many golf clubs wow. makes me happy in such a sick way. hahaha evil laughing. i wish i was like this all the time. everyone needs to witness this side of me more. umm so yeah. techno music has been converted from the cd player. hmm more hash i think must be added to this fine mix. ohh wow i forgot about bartending. eileen you and me are totally picking up that milf. and im going to bang nerdtech out of spite. and find out if chipmunk has hot friends. wow hormones and stuff. im totally taking out years of lack of sex out on a hot 30 year old mom. well i dont know if shes a mom, eileen doesnt think so becuase she has a hot body, i could care less really. becuase im not actually going to pick her up. it would be funny shit tho. speaking of funny shit. ian you make me laugh. i hoep you and lina have the nastiest children ever. and just becuase jen jones is online doesnt mean you have to tell me about her sex swing. ewww. ohh i could just talk and talk and talk and talk. i got to taste test booze in my bartending class. the world is fun so fun. hmmm eileen you and me are going to be killer barkeeps. well. personality conflicts make me laugh now and even tho i hate so many people i can still just laugh at them. life is good i think or maybe this all is false. im totally enjoying it tho.
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| thoughts of the world |
[19 Sep 2004|02:30pm] |
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hmm i dont even know what i feel like. im glad im hanging out with the eileen tonight. msn makes me mad tho and i wish i could talk to people in person rather then on msn. i hate not seeing my friends. i talked stuff out with dannielle, but it was on msn so i dont think it worked as we relized some msgs wernt even being sent. this morning i really didnt want dannielle to visit becuase of stuff. She said last night she was going to visit even if i was still mad. but now that im ok with things and feel like seeing her she nots going to visit. She said she MIGHT stop by. but thats an indefinate plan. and we already know about those. hmmm i love people and people say they love me, but seeing the words on msn ruins any validity they have. words and actions are always different things. Hmmm im still super pissed off about this weekend tho. super pissed of in general. thanks for wanting to hang out eileen.
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[19 Sep 2004|12:06am] |
ohh my mistake. i guess i didnt get ditched. dannielle asked me if i wanted to goto value village with her. but she didnt goto value village, she went out for dinner with kari instead.
thats the stupidest thing ever. "just becuase i asked you to do something doesnt mean we actually had plans." thats not a word for word quote but thats what i got from it.
all i wanted was to see my friends this weekend. but now it feels like i dont even have any.
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[18 Sep 2004|09:45pm] |
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hmmm. tonight was a bust. i hung out with bj and eileen for a bit which was nice. dannielle did go to ptbo, but left me a msg on msn asking to hang out. hmm i was in the mood to hang out when i was asked to goto ptbo. but now it seems i feel like hibernating. thanks guys forr such a great weekend.
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